The curtain opens revealing the figures of Esmeralda and Diamante on stage. They are standing on a stone path holding beautiful umbrellas with intricate colored patterns and images. The artwork on Esmeralda’s umbrella depicts a giant fish leaping out of the water after a smaller fish that’s already in the air. On Diamante’s umbrella there is a purple plum tree in full bloom. Esmeralda is wearing a long elegant black ballroom gown with sequins. Diamante is wearing a short bright red strapless dress and bright blue socks.
Esmeralda is about to speak when a turkey enters stage left gobbling loudly. The animal struts in front of the the two characters, staring them down, before sprinting off stage right. A stage hand appears stage left panting and chases after it off stage right.
A light mist falls from above.
ESMERALDA: This rain is bad for my health.
E: No, I’m serious. I can already feel a cold coming in the back of my throat.
E: What do you mean ‘hmmmm’? Do you think I’m making it up?
D: Well…. HRECH HRECH HRECH!
D: I said… HRECH HRECH HRECH!
D: You smell bad, Esmeralda.
Esmeralda yanks on Diamante’s dress and rips a piece off, which she proudly waves in front of the audience. Diamante claws at Esmeralda, but she jumps aside. Diamante slaps her hard in the cheek. Esmeralda giggles and then sits down on a bench. Diamante moans, and then sits down shortly afterwards.
D: I do wish you’d take a bath though.
E: So do I. It sounds nice.
A phone rings. Esmeralda struggles to locate the phone before yanking it from underneath Diamante’s legs. Diamante sticks her tongue out at her and Esmeralda bats her away. She answers.
E: This is she.
D: I like shoes.
D: I’m a beautiful woman normally, but with the right pair of shoes… wow, just wow!
E: You bastard, fuck off and die!
D: Esmeralda! That’s no way for a lady to talk.
Esmeralda looks at Diamante with a cold grin.
E: Fuck you, too!
D: What’s the matter with you?
E: It’s a mystery.
D: What do you mean?
E: Some bastard keeps calling me and hanging up before I can answer.
D: Maybe it’s Leon.
E: It’s not Leon.
D: You never know, it could be.
E: It’s not Leon!
D: Maybe you should let me answer next time. You’re probably scaring him away.
E: It’s not… You barely know him anyways.
D: He’s so beautiful!
E: I told you not to fall in love
The phone rings again. Diamante snatches the phone out of Esmeralda’s hand and runs away giggling and hides under a bush.
D: Hello? Hello? You gorgeous devil, are you there?
E: I should buy you your own phone so you stop taking mine.
Diamante, still crouching down, stares at the cellphone and frowns.
E: I told you it wasn’t Leon!
D: Why doesn’t he want to talk to me?
E: It’s not Leon! They probably want my credit card information.
D: So give it to them already! You might win a SmartCooker!
Diamante stands up and paces in front of Esmeralda, who massages her eyelids.
E: I’m not going to ask.
D: Haven’t you seen the videos on Youtube? You can cook an entire chicken and it will come out tasting like a fish!
E: It’s quite a time we live in!
D: It’s quite a time to live!
Inviting brass notes break in from offstage. Calling and responding to each other. Diamante looks at Esmeralda and nods, and they both stand up. Esmeralda sprints to a nearby trashcan, tosses her arm at her side and gallops back with periodic jumps. A drum line sounds. Esmeralda tosses her arm towards Diamante and nods again. Diamante dashes into Esmeralda’s arms, who proceeds to toss Diamante into the air, catch her again and spin around in a circle. An entire orchestra is now playing in the background. The drum is getting louder and louder.
Esmeralda puts Diamante back down at her side, they step apart, Esmeralda raises her right arm and Diamante raises her left, and they gaze off to God only knows where. The orchestra is getting faster and faster: BOOM-bah-bah! BOOM-bah-bah! Esmeralda and Diamante switches places and hold hands. They take two steps to the left and jump in the air, then they take two steps to the right and jump in the air. Then they jump backwards and throw their hands in the air.
Their steps are getting faster and faster. It’s hard to keep track of where their feet are at any one moment. They grab each other around the waist with their right arms and spin in circles. Faster and faster and faster and faster and…
The phone rings again. The music cuts. They stop suddenly and Esmeralda falls to the ground. Diamante hands her the phone.
E: Never mind I’ve got to get to work.
D: Me too!
Esmeralda places the phone on the bench and they both exit off opposite ends of the stage. The phone is still ringing after they’ve left.